The VICE Guide to New York City

Intro	Sports
Neighborhoods	The Daytime
Basic Etiquette	Music
Drink/Party	Shopping
Where to Eat	Getting Around
Transcendence	VICE NYC Map

First there were dinosaurs; then a montage of gangsters eating spaghetti and stabbing stuff with "Gimme Shelter" playing in the background; then the Ramones and some breakdancing; all culminating in a gentrified paradise that smells like brunch and has countless ratchet ATMs that spit your money into the street.

The last point aside, as narratives for a city, you can do worse. There are apparently towns on this planet where hip-hop wasn't invented and Fania Records and Madball and Basquiat never existed.

So, if you've just moved to New York or you're visiting, we'd like to help you. The following is what we would recommend to anyone willing to set cynicism aside and enjoy the capital city of planet Earth.

It's also fucking huge, so this is not a definitive guide by any stretch, it's just a gussied up version of the email we send to people who visit from foreign VICE offices.

To the Five Boroughs

New York City is compromised of five boroughs. Manhattan (from "Mannahata," after Native American names for the area), Staten Island (Staten Eylandt after the States General), The Bronx (named after Jonas Bronck), Brooklyn (Breukelen, the Dutch village in the Netherlands), and Queens (after Queen Catherine of Braganza, wife of King Charles II of England).

Yes, we cut and pasted that from the New York Historical Society.

Long story short, boroughs are counties. We call them "boroughs" because presumably the original New Yorkers were rabbits. In "Touch It (remix 3)," Papoose refers to them as "the five boroughs of death," but you don't have to do that.

Neighborhoods We Like

There isn't a neighborhood in NYC that doesn't have something in it to recommend. You can probably skip the upper East and West sides (outside of Central Park excursions—definitely go watch the Central Park Dance Skaters Association and rediscover your long buried joy in life) because they're very expensive places that never really exceed "pleasant."

You will notice that the listings in this guide tend towards the Williamsburg-centric. This is because VICE is headquartered there and, as it is already a wasteland of overpriced condominiums, we can advocate your running amuck in it with the clear conscience of a newborn babe. Go ahead, tag something. Tell the cops we said it was chill.

Bushwick
This is probably the cheapest neighborhood in which to stay and socialize. It's currently in the throes of gentrification and its long time residents are justifiably a bit touchy. I'm not going to argue the pros and cons of the steady march of capital. Have a nice time. It's probably where you can afford to sleep and there's no shortage of new bars, clubs, and restaurants to explore, but please don't treat it like a college campus. Also, for the love of Pete, don't call the bustling (and definitely worth visiting) area off the Morgan stop "Morgantown." You're not in some walled-off society. You're in Bushwick.

Greenpoint
A tree-lined utopia past McCarren Park, Greenpoint borders Williamsburg. It hasn't fallen under the dominium of the high-rise builders as of yet. This is where young media professionals meet local teens with heroin problems and tattoos of questionable politics who get a little shouty. Enjoy the view of the sky. Go get some pierogies.

West Village/East Village/Alphabet City
Even ten years ago, there was a huge difference between these neighborhoods, but that's not really the case anymore. The East still has pockets of punk and/or Latin resistance (and Tompkins Square Park will never not be fun) and the West still has a few gay bars and some nice plaques commemorating dead writers, but really, it's all an unholy mess of college kids and their future selves. There's still good food and unduly pretty people and there's the Hells Angels Club house on 3rd Street (should you have your heart set on getting your face kicked in like it's 1986), but for the most part, "The Village" is NYU. Submit.

Harlem
Arguably the most historically important neighborhood in New York City. White flight into Harlem has given the neighborhood a slight identity crises with new residents clashing with old. But from the Apollo Theatre to Malcolm X Blvd, Harlem is one of the few New York neighborhoods that has largely retained its flavor despite the encroachment of Babylon (though the Apollo now books acts like Neko Case too which is, you know, totally fine). Oh, yeah, there's also countless jazz clubs, the Langston Hughes Residence, the Studio Museum, and the best food imaginable. It would be strange not to visit. Don't be a chump.

Gowanus
Gowanus is a strange and haunted neighborhood well worth the visit. The canal, all jokes and reality of its pollution aside, gives the place an air of gaslight mystery. Besides the scenery, it's home to Akashic Books, The Bell House, and a number of new and generally rad restaurants.

Lower East Side
You might know that Julian Casablancas song called "Ludlow Street," and well he's right, it used to be good and isn't really any more. But, stay the hell off of it and you can make LES work. Ludlow is now the sole purview of M.U.S.C.L.E.S. and human crepes, but Orchard running parallel is still a good time. If you cross Delancey and wander the borders of LES and Chinatown, you can almost feel the olde timey New York feeling of "holy shit...something might happen in my life...TONIGHT." Even if what actually happens is just a bad idea attached to a skateboard, let your heart beat a bit free.

Tribeca
There are two major reasons to visit downtown. You should go to the Reflecting Absence World Trade Center Memorial. People argue about the aesthetic of the new tower. It's inarguably a product of political compromise and its architectural height of 1,776 feet is empire kitsch, but frankly how the hell are you ever going to put anything on that site which will please everyone? Frankly, it's not so bad. The clouds reflect off it beautifully and from certain angles it's a stunner. More importantly, the waterfall pool that serves as the site's actual memorial is something to be experienced. It works in the same way the Vietnam Memorial works; the names, it's all in the names.

The other site to pay respect to is the African Burial Ground National Monument, just a short walk from Ground Zero. The burial ground is on the land of New York's first African-American cemetery. The site was discovered in 1992 when a federal building was being built and it was only through community activism that construction was halted. So go bow your head to both the tragedy of the initial injustice and in respect to one of the few times basic morality prevailed over real estate interests.

Look, if you're just interested in New York for "fun," invest in a slip 'n' slide and stay the fuck home. New York is not an amusement park. It's a deep city with a deeper history and all the death and glory that entails.

Basic Etiquette

There is the grotesque stereotype of New Yorkers being unfriendly; rumor has it that you hold the door for a New Yorker, they will often say, "you must not be from New York." This is insane. ALL normal rules of etiquette hold true in New York. Pleases and thank yous and excuse mes, all of it. You just don't have to smile when you say all this. Nobody likes a phony. Just nod and be civil.

If you get lost, don't be afraid to ask for directions. It may seem like New Yorkers walk at high speeds to avoid human contact, but they're not trying to be dicks. They've just got places to be. But here's a secret: Real New Yorkers LOVE giving directions. Don't be surprised if you stop someone to ask for help and three other people intervene with better routes. There's no greater pride than knowing the streets and subways inside out. Give the locals a chance to shine.

Besides that? DON'T WALK IN THE FUCKING BIKE LANES. Look, yes, bikers can be terrible. When they ride on the sidewalk or run through red lights or, lord have mercy, when they bring their bikes on the subway when it's perfectly nice outside. Having said that, when you walk in the bike lane, you are basically saying, "Hey, delivery guy making less than minimum wage, I sure hope you die." Why would you say that? Walk on the sidewalk. Quickly please.

Tip your bartenders. Especially you, Europeans. ESPECIALLY YOU, Australian dudes. WE KNOW YOU KNOW. Dollar a drink is customary but if you have some sort of principled stand on the injustice of that, just throw some loot down. Buybacks (that lovely ritual where the bartender will buy every third or fourth round for tipping customers) are not as prevalent as they used to be but they can still be had and you're not going to find out if you're a skinflint.

Don't be weird around celebrities. A disappearing custom as even New Yorkers seem to have fallen under the poptimist spell of "giving a shit that someone is on TV," but you will, we promise, enjoy your New York experience so much more if you're not scaring the beejeezies out of Dave Attell outside the Comedy Cellar. You are cool. You have an innate worth entirely divorced from whatever fleetingly famous person you may see in the line to pee. We truly believe that. Act accordingly. Obviously, if they invite you into the bathroom with them, then that is your path and you must walk it.

Where to Drink/Party

Places to drink and party in NYC come and go with an almost impossible-to-fathom speed. That's why you'll see people who are devastated about clubs less than five-years-old closing. Five years feels like a very long time for a place to survive. Never underestimate a New Yorker's capacity for instant nostalgia. We miss you already. But for this section we're NOT mentioning places that will have a long line or will turn you away for not having a pretty face or proper attire.

Caveat: These places lean towards the divey. That's the sort of bar that we believe New York excels at. BUT PLEASE NOTE, speakeasies are by definition illegal. You're not in a speakeasy, no matter what the guidebook tells you. We are just trying to live a life as free from corniness as possible.

Second Chance Saloon: Staffed by many veterans of Williamsburg's much missed punk bar, Sweetwater Tavern, this is a no-nonsense drinking establishment with a superb jukebox and a staff that will, while probably not smiling, happily discuss sports and baseball with you. There's a pool table if you feel like getting into arguments with strangers.

124 Old Rabbit Club: Belgian Beer Bar. Pitch black except for candles. Lots of loud, good music. We work out of here a lot. You don't have to threaten our life in the comments. You can come by and kill us yourself.

The Scratcher: East Village local where the bartenders pour the Guinness correctly. There's live music on Sunday nights that's usually comprised of touring Irish musicians, so be prepared for impromptu sing-alongs to go with your pint.

Sid Gold's Request Room: Being a human person with a big heart, a substance abuse problem, and a sense of shame that waxes and wanes with the moon, you doubtlessly love karaoke. Hey, girl. Us, too. Sing someone else's body electric. The videos with the subtitles are nice, but it's time to up the ante and do live piano karaoke. Co-owner Joe McGinty, who for years has organized the songwriter tribute series, Loser's Lounge, leads the karaoke at Sid Gold's Request Room. McGinty has compiled an impressively diverse song list that, while perhaps not as overarching as your usual five-books-of-dreck-to-be-sung-ironically karaoke collection, still has something for everyone. Especially if your tastes run towards 70s AOR/R&B and Nine Inch Nails. As we assume they do.

An Beal Bocht Café: Described as "the most Irish of Irish spots," An Beal Bocht is what you're going to do if you find yourself in The Bronx and have the overwhelming urge to pour one out for poor Joe Heaney. Good times for both ex-pats and those that like to ogle them. Good music and better than decent Irish pub food. They have bangers. They have mash.

Cocktail Bars
Obviously no-one says mixology, someone just invented that word to make cocktails look stupid. That person was a dick and probably a misogynist, because obviously cocktails are great; they get you drunk and taste like raspberries. The only problem is that they take ages for the artisans behind the bar to make them, so if you want to drink them, please go to a place that specializes in them, don't try and walk the poor untrained bastard behind the bar through Empellon Cocina's Fat-Washed Mezcal while other people are trying to get a beer.

To start with, The Dead Rabbit and Dutch Kills are fine, delicious options if you don't mind tucking in your shirt and want to drink like a steampunk.

If you can't be bothered to slip out of your laundry day ensemble but you're still in the mood for a killer Old Fashioned, Lucey's Lounge welcomes you at the bar. The prices are reasonable, the freshly popped seasoned popcorn flows freely, and co-owner Henry mixes fast and clean.

Maybe you want to pretend, if only for a moment, that you're a classy adult right out of an episode of Mad Men. Or maybe you just have to kill time before hopping a train to the suburbs to visit Aunt June. Why else would you be in Midtown? Make a stop at Lantern's Keep at the Iroquois Hotel.

Other Bars/Parties
Home Sweet Home is a basement bar where your phone will not get service and you should go on Wednesdays or Fridays. Wednesday is the Nothing Changes (formerly Wierd when run by artist Pieter Schoolworth) party. When it was Wierd it was a purist minimal synth party where goths drank Campari. Nothing Changes takes a slightly more freewheeling approach, but the party is regularly full of attractive people in kohl. There's a live band at midnight.

Fridays is Jonathan Toubin's (of New York Night Train/Soul Clap fame) party. He plays all rare soul and funk 45s, often with guest DJs like Kid Congo Powers, James Chance, and Ian Svenonius. It can get extremely crowded, but with people who want to dance to old soul and funk, so it's delightful. Whatever you're thinking of requesting though? He doesn't have it.

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