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Whether you're on a laser-focused trajectory towards a successful life or simply feeling the sting of a low score on an online IQ test, the pursuit of increasing one's smarts will always be a noble one.
Though we've come a long way from aristocracy-only hallowed halls of academia, the pendulum seems as if it's beginning to swing back in that direction. Apparently, the so-called "college bubble" experts were predicting isn't a thing after all, so don't count on any tuition fire sales any time soon.
So, what's a knowledge-hungry millennial to do should he or she want to get smarter without taking on a heap of debt? Here are a few suggestions to get you started on your path to enlightenment that don't involve you playing any ineffective, mirthless, "brain training" video games.
Work Your Way Through School
There was a time when a student working part time at burger joint could pay for a semester's tuition and still have enough money left over for a muscle car and a case of those beers you open like a tuna can. Now, of course, the idea of being able to even cover the cost of textbooks from your 16 hours a week of American Apparel cashiering is laughable.
Fortunately, a number of liberal arts "work colleges" exist that allow you to earn your degree with elbow grease in addition to studying. Robin Taffler, the executive director of the Work College Consortium, explained that academic work is still the top priority—but all students also have jobs.
"Students hold on-campus jobs doing everything imaginable—from working in accounts payable, to food services, to grounds, to human resources, etc," Taffler told VICE. "Student work is evaluated and assessed just like academic classes are. Wages earned by students directly help contribute to the cost of their education. Students gain valuable work experience while helping to serve their college community and beyond."
Think of it like being a crew member on an old ship, where the destination is a degree and scurvy has been replaced by "the freshman 15."
Flee the Country
If you can scrounge up the money for a one-way flight, you can escape the high tuition prices in the United States and study in a country where tuition is cheap or even free. Sweden, Germany, Slovenia, France, and a number of other EU countries have become education destinations for students who are content to earn their degree without taking on thousands of dollars in loans or becoming subsumed in NCAA sport fandom. Some, like Norway, are entirely tuition-free, even for foreigners.
As if this deal wasn't already sweet enough, many of these European countries offer coursework in English, so your lazy ass doesn't even need to assimilate that much.
Even socialist utopias have their limits, however. You'll be expected to pay for your own food, shelter, and other essentials that don't fall under the bursar's office purview, so plan on working over the semester. Or just "accidentally" fall asleep while studying in the library if you really want to keep housing costs down.
Thump a Bible
If you believe in Jesus (or can convincingly pretend to for the duration of your schooling) Barclay College in Kansas offers free full-tuition scholarships to all the lambs accepted into their flock.
If you're going the con artist route, though, be aware that most of the majors offered by this accredited college have a religious bent—like theology, ministry, and whatever "worship arts" is. Fortunately, there are few options like business administration and psychology that you could probably take out into the secular world after graduation once you trim some of the Christ fat out of their teachings.
STUDY in a Starbucks
All you need is a WiFi hotspot and tenacity and you can learn just about anything these days. A number of reputable non-profit online educational resources like Khan Academy, Socratic, and edX offer comprehensive educations in both STEM and pleb fields.
Who cares if they they're unaccredited when billionaires like Bill Gates and Carlos Slim are touting Khan Academy's benefits (and backing that talk up with funding)? If name brands are that important to you, take solace in the fact that edX courses are pulled right from legit university curriculums—MIT, Berkeley, and Harvard, to name a few.
Learn While You Shit
Some of you probably remember those Muzzy commercials that played on Nickelodeon all the time, but few of you likely recall the $168.48 price tag that came with those tapes. And that's in early-90s money when that kinda scratch could've bought you a yacht.
I bring this VHS relic up only to highlight just how amazing it is that apps like Duolingo and Memrise offer comprehensive, fun, and free language courses that you can chip away at in the time it takes you to develop a hemorrhoid.
If language isn't your bag, there are scores of similar apps on the mobile platform store of your choice that cover physics, anatomy, math, and all the other subjects that you probably blew off in high school.
While initial entries into the educational categories of the app stores were somewhat suspect in their efficacy, science has come a long way in the past few years in determining what makes for a worthwhile app. In an article published by the Association of Psychological Sciences, a group of researchers pinpointed the four key pillars that make for apps with merits for educating children: active, engaged, meaningful, socially interactive. Applying these metrics to your own app selection process might not be such a bad idea, even if you're out of grade school.
Besides, smartphone games have devolved into indistinguishable dopamine release vehicles, begging for your real life money and ad clicks. Why not delete all that garbage from your already-too-full phone and install something that will offer you lasting value instead?
Pop Pills
If you've seen the pharma-scifi opus Limitless (and not read Flowers for Algernon) you might think the idea of a magic pill that makes you smarter would be pretty cool. Nootropics are a subset of supplements that many claim to be that very magic bullet that ups their concentration and retention game. And unlike Adderall or Ritalin, you don't need a prescription to get them.
These cognition-enhancing supplements are stimulants, nutraceuticals, racetams, and other substances extracted from their food and natural-product sources and pressed into pills or poured into vials. When taken, these chemicals offer your brain the nutrients it might be lacking from your normal diet, thus allowing it to fire on all cylinders. You're not overclocking the engine as much as reducing drag.
Long term effects are still unknown for most, though the FDA does a pretty good job about pulling anything off the shelf if there's even a whiff of danger. What's less researched, however, is the true efficacy of nootropics. Clinical studies tend to conclude with a call for further research, which is the scienctific Magic 8-Ball's "reply hazy, ask again later." So, like with all things in life, caveat emptor. You might be buffing your brain or might just be shitting away your limited funds.
Follow Justin Caffier on Twitter.
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