This article originally appeared on VICE UK.
The first ever advent calendar, in 1851, was a series of devotional images designed to remind its owner of the true, sacred meaning of Christmas. And so was my first ever advent calendar, in 1998.
A form of child cruelty so obscure that not many know of it, "religious advent calendars" reveal, behind each door, not a tasty tree-shaped hunk of Cadbury's that's weirdly gone white on the bottom, but an image of a Jesus, a shepherd or—if you're lucky—a particularly husky donkey.
It's this childhood depravation that means I have watched in awe over the last decade as the advent calendar market has exploded. From the £250 [$318] Harrods Beauty Calendar to the £5 [$6.36] Kellogg’s Cereal Bar Calendar, there are now 24 doors for everyone and everything.
But why? How did this boom happen? And is there a single brand that can't capitalize on the countdown to baby Jesus's birth? To find out, I did what no man has ever done before (and what no man without £922.74 [$1174.20] can hope to do after) and made an entire advent calendar out of advent calendars.
(NB: I know you've already written the comment—you wrote the comment before you clicked the article, based on the headline alone—but obviously I donated the unopened products to a woman's shelter and a food bank. Also, for deadline purposes, the 24 days of advent took place on one November afternoon, and that's the way you're going to like it.)
Day One: Lovehoney Best Sex of Your Life Couple's Sex Toy Advent Calendar, $80
There is only one way forward, and it is the Advent Calendar of Advent Calendars. Order yours today.
Follow Amelia Tait on Twitter.
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