In the early hours of Thursday morning, the denizens of the internet awoke to rub the sleep out of their eyes, pick up their phones, and—because they don't know what's good for them—open Twitter, where they came upon a cursed or possibly blessed, perplexing image posted by the incredibly attractive, megawatt smile-having rapper Kid Cudi.
The image is somewhat reminiscent of the Last Supper, only in this case Jesus and his disciples have taken the shape of Kanye West, Timothée Chalamet, Kid Cudi, and Pete Davidson, who have all gathered at what could possibly be a private dining room at the Midtown Manhattan Benihana, or maybe somewhere swankier like Nobu. But why? What has brought these titans of industry, makers of club bangers, dumpees of pop stars, doers of dope shit, and fuckers of peaches together to chat over a plate of what appears to be hard boiled eggs, raw mushrooms, and either taquitos or tightly rolled blunts?
It turns out they all gathered there for Cudi's birthday, which makes sense—but still, I have questions, and I need answers, or there is a definitive possibility I will never sleep again. Unless I get my hands on a white noise machine and one of those taquito blunts. Which reminds me...
Really, what the hell are they eating?
This collection of fine, and in some cases highly questionable (*cough* Kanye *cough*) men have access to the finest cuisine on this planet, and probably other planets us normies will never explore. And yet why does this pile look like shit you'd find in the snack section at Marshall's next to jars of boysenberry jalapeño jam, old ass popcorn, and an abandoned Kat Von D eye shadow palette covered in black shimmer? Maybe I'm not refined enough to recognize high-end cuisine when I see it (I did once add Flaming Hot Cheetos to Caprese salad, which was hella dank FWIW), but this looks terrible. Are those two red piles the result of a can of wet food intended for a rich lady's cat turned over onto bone china? We'll never know.
They're talking about their feelings, right?
If there's one thing that brings this collection of sculpted XY chromosomes together, it's feelings. So. Many. Feelings. Did they manage to break out into these smiles after weathering some serious tears? I love the idea of these men congregating to go in deep. None of that fake shit. "WHO ARE YOU, TIMOTHÉE?? TELL ME SOMETHING REAL, TIMOTHÉE!!" Did they emerge from this minimalist dining room emptied of their traumas and unshackled from their pasts, covered in sweat, and smiling in the expression of pure ecstasy that comes with discovering that ancient Egyptians have blessed them with the ability to escape the bounds of time and space and actually become love? Did they split a Lyft on the way home, and did Cudi pretend he didn't know how to do the split thing in the app so he would't have to pay? Fuckin' Cudi.
Who kissed?
If I was a gambling woman, I'd put good money on Kanye kissing Pete. Mainly because I think they are the ones that need it most. The act of not only giving love, but receiving love, is healing and bonding. And I bet the kiss, if it happened, was nice. Like really nice: delivered at the precise moment its recipient needed it most. Did Kanye's pillowy lips meet Pete's forehead? Then left cheek? Then right cheek? Then, after a long stare into Pete's eyes that silently told him everything was going to be okay, the lips? Perhaps after Yeezy said something like, "Hey, man. You're amazing and talented as fuck, and I just want you to know I see you and love you?" Did I just write Kanye-Pete erotic friend fiction? Am I a sick fuck and like a quick fuck, specifically when the fuck is friendship?
What did Kanye do when the onion volcano erupted?
I have to assume that the chef assigned to their table at what I have alleged is a Benihana dropped the onion volcano on them. They are some of the biggest stars in their respective fields, after all! They probably ordered enough that the manager said, "Go on, give 'em the volcano. We can expense it." So when that onion was chopped and stacked into the unmistakable shape of Mount Vesuvius, and then aromatic steam emerged from within its core, did Kanye at least momentarily break his steely demeanor? Did he say "Ayyye that shits wild!" and then get kind of sad as he thought to himself that sometimes he feels like he is an onion volcano, liable to erupt at any given moment if he's triggered by society (which the chef is a metaphor for)?
What was Cudi's birthday wish?
Was it for love? Was it for health? Was it for a really sick new bike? Who knows. But what we can be sure of is that he got the greatest gift of all: Friendship.
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