This article originally appeared on VICE Canada.
Look, at some point in our lives we are all struck with that feeling, that undeniable feeling of our guts rotting from the inside out, and we need to take solace in a public bathroom.
Shame, driven into us at a young age, keeps most of us from ever mentioning what's happening to our insides, but once in awhile a strange creature—a mad pooper, if you will—comes along and announces exactly what they’re doing to that stall.
Well, earlier this week, one person in a Wichita Home Depot bathroom encountered a mad pooper and inferred that this man, who loudly and proudly announced his intention to just fucking wreck that toilet, was actually making a bomb threat and called the cops on him. Come with me, fair reader to the interior of a hardware store bathroom—we got some bombs to drop and a story to unpack.
So, picture if you will, two men standing at the line of urinals doing their thang when another man comes tumbling in. These mad poopers, they don’t move like regular people, they tumble around like a bull let loose in a toilet shop. This man—who I have no proof was wearing a ten gallon hat and a bolo tie when he announced his dirty work, but deep down in the cockles of my heart, I just know he was—made his way into the stall and announced to everyone in earshot, “y’all need to get out of here because I’m fixing to blow it up.”
A bit crude, yes, but anyone who has ever encountered one of these creatures knows what’s up. A rough translation of his comments would be: “I need to take a nasty, nasty poop and you should evacuate the room before said poop comes out.”
One of the men got the joke and chuckled at the urinal, and most likely scurried out of the room. But the other man, boy-howdy, well this other man got downright spooked. He asked the mad pooper to tell him what he was doing three times—THREE TIMES—and each time the man dropping the dookie responded from the confines of the toilet with the same phrase.
The spooked man, who maybe smelled something rotten and thought it was sulfur or gunpowder and not, you know, shit, made a beeline to a security guard and claimed someone had made a bomb threat in the bathroom.
The security guard did his job and called the cops. The 911 call was released to media and shows the guard telling the cops the spooked customer said “somebody told me there's a bomb in here and you need to leave the building." While this is going on, remember, this man is still in the stall “blowing” that place up. As it turns out, a hardware store clerk was familiar with the pooper, and gave his name to the police, who then contacted the man about his “threat.”
Well, they reached him, the pooper told them what had happened saying—as police wrote in their report which was obtained by the Wichita Eagle—“that he had no intention of causing such alarm, and that the comment he said... was meant to be funny.” The report went on to say that the pooper thought, since the other man laughed, it was understood he “was in a serious need to defecate, and that he was attempting to provide a polite warning to the other patrons of the bathroom.”
He went on to lament that he didn’t know “men’s bathroom humor... was taken so seriously.”
Home Depot has said it will not be pursuing charges.
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