Remember back in 2001, when Fast and the Furious was just a modest little Point Break ripoff about dudes who race cars and steal DVD players out of trucks? Oh, how innocent it all seems now. Over the past 20 years, the franchise has mutated into some kind of roided-out phantasmagoria where even the fundamental laws of physics bend to the will of Vin Diesel's glistening muscles.
On Friday, Universal dropped the new trailer for the upcoming Fast and the Furious spinoff, Hobbs & Shaw, and the thing makes absolutely no goddamn sense. But who cares? Look at those biceps! Look at those cars! Look at all that sweet, sweet ass-kicking!
The three-minute trailer opens with Idris Elba, who is apparently some kind of brilliant mad man who uses a variety of seemingly painful lasers to make his big, mean muscles even bigger and meaner. What does he do, you ask? What does he want? How much does that laser treatment hurt? Well, in case you didn't pick up on the fact that all these menacing camera angles mean he's the villain, he goes ahead and makes it very clear in the trailer, explicitly identifying himself as the "bad guy." Helpful!
Of course, Elba's character can only be stopped by two other strong men—namely, the titular duo of Hobbs (Dwayne Johnson) and Shaw (Jason Statham). But wait, there's a twist! It turns out that Hobbs and Shaw don't get along at all, even though they both seemingly share an undying love of justice, a background in the spy trade, and being painfully ripped. Can this hilariously mismatched duo find a way to set aside their differences and work together towards a common goal? No spoilers, but: Yeah! Probably!
The rest of the trailer is two minutes of nonstop, brain-bleeding action. Cars go fast, buildings crumble, and Hobbs beats the shit out of some henchmen while plummeting down the side of a skyscraper. Also, Idris Elba's character has a flamethrower for some reason.
What does any of it mean? Does it mean anything at all? Does it matter? The whole thing is such an indecipherable stew of explosions and gunfights that it feels like it was scripted by a second-grader explaining the brawl he's acting out with some action figures. Could this film end with a glorious, LEGO Movie-style twist? Who cares. Just let it wash over you. It is glorious.
Hobbs & Shaw is set to hit theaters August 2. Until then, busy yourself trying to figure out what the hell this movie is about and why it was ever made.
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