For a myriad of reasons, Alberta, Canada has been tripping over itself in a race to the bottom of the barrel lately. And now, in the Year of Our Lord 2016, it has presented itself as a middle-aged white woman rapping.
Before we get into the shitty nitty gritty of the video, the context should be clear. In Alberta (Canada's conservative heartland), a bill was put into place that, among other things, would allow trans children to use the washroom of the gender they express. This was good.
But for a disturbing number of Albertans, this was something they felt they needed to protest.
Of course, this inevitably led to a protest rap by a white lady.
So without further ado: we give you a grown woman rapping about how trans kids are the result of abuse, and how animals are extremely good at gender:
The video starts with a woman—let's call her, say, "Helena" (although she goes by MH Wiebe)—in a pink hoodie woodenly swaying to a beat ripped straight out of 1992.
Jesus says it's OK to bully trans kids because they're weird to me.
"Come on, come on," she starts her song off—an obvious citation of Smash Mouth. With her recognition of the greats that come before her, she moves on to the crux of her argument: I'm tone-deaf, and hopefully you are too.
Her first verse is basically just the white woman equivalent of the "sad white guy shuffle." In it, she says this isn't a topic that legislatures should be worrying about, but she drifts into worrying territory when she "sings":
Are there 6, perhaps, 13 in essence,
Children in Alberta who switch gender pretense?
No.
This notion, that there are only a few kids affected by these laws, and that their minority status somehow makes their needs irrelevant, is not only misguided but dumb and dangerous.
The way her eyes move here makes me wonder if there's some guy off-camera holding a gun to her kids.
Now that she's had her fun saying that there are far fewer transgender children in her province than there actually are, she sings her own hook and apparently forgets the name of the song is "Gender Bender" not "Fender Bender."
Let's move on to her next verse.
In this verse, our lovely Helena compares trans people to animals and says that maybe animals have it right. To prove this point, she somehow rhymes "guile" with "wild."
Shortly thereafter, Helena raps about her sorrow to those "fatherless and abused," saying she "guesses that's why there are so many confused."
Do we really have to explain that why that line is so wrong?
Then we move on to the song's coup de grâce.
She lets us into her life by telling us she's just "a concerned mother of three" and to "keep male and female washrooms where our children can pee." She smiles a bit while she says pee as if she know's she's doing something naughty, as if this is as crazy at it gets for her.
What kind of person does this? Like hell yes I will get super excited for my church group's extremely bad rap video explaining to trans kids that they're the result of abuse. I love this shit. The Lord loveth good #content.
She then ends it with an epic fist pump.
It's like Bender and the end of the 'Breakfast Club,' but in this case, Bender's opinion hurts kids.
Politics aside, this is objectively bad music. The production value is close to being passable, but the rapping itself is almost as offensive as the contents of the lyrics.
She is tone deaf, sings her own hooks, and has all the rhythm of a Canadian goose being fed, slowly, into a wood chipper. Much like the doomed goose, she frantically honks her horn, the rhythm slowly and tortuously dies with no one to stand vigil at its funeral, and we end up with rhymes like "Mothers and fathers, the backbone of society / Why would we change legislation over notoriety."
All in all it's a terrible way to spend three minutes of your day and may god have mercy on the soul of everyone involved.
Having joined us for a brief stroll through YouTube hell, we would like to thank you for coming on this journey. As a reward, here is a palate cleanser.
Adieu dear reader, adieu.
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