This article originally appeared on VICE UK.
I don't mean to be pessimistic. Really, I don't. I just. I’ve been there, is all. Do you really think you're going to get to April and still be gulping down a fresh fruit smoothie every morning? Do you think you'll still be making it to that HIIT class twice a week come June? Are you sure you don’t enjoy Coco Pops and, like, judging people on dating shows a bit too much for that?
New Year's Resolutions, of course, work for some people. Humans love narrative, and therefore we love the idea that a new year brings a clean slate and the opportunity to self-improve. This is why your smug work friend keeps smiling at you maniacally over tupperware of too-thick dal about how their weekend meal prep is saving them "tons," which they're putting toward their "Australia fund." But you, my friend. You are different.
You could not be described as "perky" or a "go-getter." You like the idea of being a "better version of yourself" (whatever your conception of that is), but you're also a bit set in your ways. And to be honest, you like your ways. You like smoking 20 cigarettes in one sitting; you like going to the pub on a Monday night; you do not like the gym. But you want to at least try, so you resolved to do something when the clock struck midnight on the January 1: goodbye, old self; HELLO shiny, box-fresh self who does mindfulness and only goes to McDonald’s on the weekend.
It might last; it probably won’t. As someone who has both kept resolutions ("Maybe stop eating meat??") and broken them ("Be a nicer person!") I've done some mathematical calculations, and based on cold, hard stats (but mostly my own opinions), I've worked out precisely how long some of the most common resolutions get kept for. Spoiler alert: It's not very long!
Making lunches for work
You’re already back on the Pret A Manger, I know you are, scumbag.
Amount of time it takes for "Making lunches for work" to fail: Literally as soon as you see a Pret don’t be silly.
Giving up smoking
The thing about smoking is that it is a) addictive and b) cool. The good stuff at parties always happens in the smoking area. Stopping smoking means giving this up, or, worse, going outside and NOT smoking, and just watching other people smoke while shivering and thinking a lot about being inside and/or smoking.
For these reasons, it is very hard to quit. In 2016, three in five people who made a resolution to stop smoking had broken it by January 31. This year, that number might go down a bit due to vaping, so maybe just get yourself a Juul for a bit and see how that goes? I really don’t have any better advice than that.
Amount of time it takes for "Giving up smoking" to fail: Maybe you’ll manage a month, but eventually you’ll go to a function where it’s crap inside and good outside, where everyone is smoking, and you will also smoke and that will probably be the end of it until next January, when you will repeat this woeful saga.
TL;DR—your attempts at self-betterment are largely futile and you’re probably doomed to continue on in your bad habits until you rot. Happy New Year!
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