This article originally appeared on VICE UK.
I'm going to level with you: I'd intended to write something insightful here as an introduction because that's generally what writers do, but let's just get straight to the point. Aldi is selling a 3D printer for the reasonable price of £299 [$385], so I asked the discount supermarket chain to send me one so that (unbeknownst to them) I could print a dildo with it and see if it was any good.
Why? Well, for lots of reasons. First, realistically: What else are you going to print with a 3D printer that you can actually use? Second, because if you're into dildos, this is presumably a cheaper way to a) design and build your own artisanal sex toy; and b) do so multiple times, endlessly, as long as you can afford to buy some new 3D printer filament every now and then. Third, experts say that, by 2020, the sex toy industry will be worth £24 billion [$30 billion] globally—and it would be nice to have a slice of that, wouldn't it?
Preparing the Printer
At 10 AM the next morning, however, there was no smoke to be seen in the office. Even better, most of a 3D-printed dildo had appeared. By 11 AM, the tip had rounded itself off.
First thoughts: It was surprisingly light! It looked like something you might put into a hole for fun! Yes, it felt a little rough, but with a bit of sanding and the use of a condom, I couldn't help but wonder whether this might well be the future. Who needs to buy sex toys when you can print them yourself, very publicly, while at work? I left it on Emma's desk, ready for her to take on a test drive.
My rating: 10/10. It’s a great dildo! And a lovely way to make new friends at work! Thank you, the generous PR team at Aldi, for helping me make Emma's dildo dream come true. I’ll be taking orders via Twitter from this afternoon—please do get in touch.*
Emma's rating: "2/10. At first glance, it had potential. Despite its disconcerting shape and weight, it was easily the most erotic item in the office. Then I took it home, where it felt depressing. The clinical white; the fact that the grain runs in such a way that when you run your nail down the length of it, it feels like scraping a thousand tiny washboards; the incredibly sharp point on top. Even sheathed, this wasn't something I even wanted to contemplate putting near my genitals. Nice ornament, though. It now lives on my bookshelf next to a fern and a book of Mark Fisher essays."
*Please actually don't. Also, if anyone would like to buy a 3D printer, DM me.
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