This article originally appeared on VICE UK.
Can you hear the bells? Can you smell the mulled wine? Are you cold and alone and a little bloated but still regularly quite horny? Yes! Christmas is here.
Relationship-wise, here's how this goes. You're most likely either a) in a long-term relationship and are searching Groupon frantically for a moderately priced mini-vacation, or b) have made the most of cuffing season, and now have to choose a gift that says, "I am wholeheartedly committed to touching your genitals, but only until March." Congrats!
The third option is this: You could be like me, single and moderately happy, but with no one to wear nice underwear for. I would be content with this were it not for my quite strong desire to open a present that isn’t my office secret Santa this year (the gift from my parents was a costly bed bug de-fumigation—probably the most expensive and least enjoyable present they have ever given me). So what I need is a Christmas Prince—preferably one who wishes to spend the royal fortune of his small European principality on me.
Enter "selective" dating app The Inner Circle, which invited me to one of their singles mixers last week. The Inner Circle claims to have a strong vetting process that looks at job title, LinkedIn connections, and photos (shagging potential), so I would need to up my game to fit in. In the words of Ja'mie from Summer Heights High: "In a rich area, hot people breed with other hot people," so I took them up on their offer and went in search of a new, elite identity.
Over the phone, the app’s founder, David Vermeulen, suggested I should be myself at the event (apparently VICE writers with mental health issues are in high demand right now??) But that wouldn’t make a good article, so I ignored his advice. There was only one more question to ask to fully get into the mindset of being a true Inner Circle singleton: Who should pay at the end of a date? "100 percent a guy should obviously pay," he said. "The minute that doesn’t happen you should be careful. I’m not conservative or very traditional, but I definitely believe in a guy paying when it comes to picking up the bill."
He did not need to tell me twice.
I needed to go shopping if I was going to achieve the perfect look. Helping the needy is something Princess Diana (#poshgoals) would approve of, so I headed to FARA charity shop for some clothes. Of course, Diana’s most iconic look is her wedding dress, so in that spirit, I tried on this saucy number:
Sadly, once the karaoke started, it was very difficult to speak to anyone because the music was so loud, so there was little to do but drink—which was fine, but I left having exchanged not a single number with a rich and eligible bachelor.
There is, however, a happy ending to this sloppy tale. All dressed up and full of free wine, at 1 AM I hopped on a bus to a house party in Brixton that I had been invited to earlier in the week. Around 45 minutes after my arrival, I met a boy called Rupert (Rupert!), who I made out with and went home with. So even if it wasn't The Inner Circle that brought us together, I still summoned enough bougie attitude to pull a guy who, regardless of annual income, had a very middle class name. And we lived happily ever after for the next few hours.
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